Thinking...

There have been so many things that I have been thinking about in these last couple months! This time of life is full of so much decision making and it feels like eternal consequences. Who in their right mind would have a 21 year old decide an eternal destiny? I have no idea! But regardless, it's still happening and things seem crazy as ever! Remember high school when we thought all of our problems would be over once we got in to college? Everything was going to fall into place and we would get married, finish school, start a family, and life would be just peachy. Well...It's not so easy as that! Don't I wish! Holy cow! But the thing is, it's all good! I have learned so much! And I know that I am doing what I'm supposed to and I am where I need to be. That's all that can be expected from us. To follow the Lord and the promptings of the spirit.
Matters of the heart are so indcredibly tender and sensitive. I am learning that it is really really hard to deal with that at times! There are days when my heart just yearns for love and acceptance from someone. To be near them, to do things with them, to make memories, to laugh, to play, to learn from them, to feel with them, to experience life with them. But sometimes, it's just not meant to be. Sometimes, we are to learn from a person and that's it. They help us to become better, to give of ourself in different ways. And that's alright. It's perfectly wonderful to have those kinds of experiences, but the hard part is reminding yourself that things will work out for you. Maybe not now, but later. Later I can have that. But right now I need to focus on me. I need to do things for myself that will help me become a better person.
I know that I was supposed to come to Chandler Gilbert Community College. There is no doubt in my mind! The experiences I have had here and the people that have come into my life are absolutely incredible! I have learned so much from them! I have learned how to handle incredible stress, how to heal a broken hearted friend, how to listen, how to love unconditionally, how to understand the feelings of the spirit, how to look outside myself, how to laugh and be silly, how to have fun, how to be there. All of these things have become great blessings in my life and those that have taught me these things will forever have a special place in my heart. I have incredible friends! They are wonderful examples and have amazing characteristics and qualities that I want to emulate in my life. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be here and learn from them.
Life is good! Sometimes confusing...ok a lot of times confusing, but so good! I am truly blessed with the things I have and the people that are in my life! I guess all we can really do is trust and things will be ok. I know they will! And everything will work out for the very best.

Life Changing Experiences

Holy Cow! I was thinking today about how much I miss writing! I haven't really had an opportunity to do it since school started last semester! I forgot how much I love it! This last school year has been incredible! My life has been changed and gone on a completely different course than I had originally planned. The last time I wrote, my plans were to go back to Thatcher and start school again at Eastern Arizona College. I had a scholarship, I had a place to live, I had a job, I had everything ready for me. But right after Josh left on his mission I had the strong impression that I needed to stay in Gilbert with my family and go to school. Talk about a last minute, crazy change in plans! It was a bit scary to do, but I knew that the Lord was guiding me where I needed to be and it was all going to be ok.

The week before school started I figured out my schedule and I tried out for the A Capella Choir. At the same time as my audition for the choir, I was offered a scholarship. WOW! Talk about a blessing! I was sooo grateful! The week that school started I decided that I was going to also try out for the Vocal Jazz Choir. I was incredibly nervous! Singing in a jazz group has been something I've always wanted to do. I tried out and made it! (Now of course I won't mention how many people actually tried out for it, otherwise it might be anti-climactic, but it was exciting nonetheless!) So now I was a part of two AMAZING choirs which I absolutely loved! And the people I associated with in these groups and my music classes were proving to be incredible people that I absolutely love to be around!

School has been absolutely incredible!! I have come to understand what I am truly passionate about I am going for it! No stopping me! I LOVE my music classes! My music theory and aural perception classmates can't figure out why I like counterpoint and 7th chords and phrasing and composing so much, but let me tell ya, I love it! My instructors are wonderful! The thing I love most about them is that they are all so passionate about what they do. They all have their niche and they do so well at helping us understand and apply the things we're learning in class. They are all incredibly talented! It is such a joy to be taught by them.

When I felt that I needed to go to Chandler Gilbert Community College (CGCC) I didn't really understand the reasons why. It wasn't making much sense to me. But I knew I needed to follow the spirit. As the semester went on I began to realize my purpose in being here at this time. At the end of August, my grandpa was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was a huge blow to me. My grandpa was my buddy! One of my dearest friends in the whole world. He had given me a love for music, he had encouraged me in every aspect of my life, and he was an example to me of true Christ-like living. I could never ask for a better example! As he progressively got worse and worse, I was given the opportunity to serve my grandpa. WOW! What a life changing experience! Here was a man whom I absolutely adored, who gave of himself constantly and was always serving and thinking of others. Now I had the opportunity to serve him. I will never forget the experiences I had the last month and a half before my grandpa died. They are precious and sweet, and I know that he was part of the reason I was to be here in Gilbert with my family. The thing I wanted more than anything else in the world was for him to go to my choir concert where I would be performing with the jazz choir for the first time. He was the one that got me into jazz and we shared that love. When I had told him about making it into this group he was sooo excited for me. I wanted to share that with him before he died. He was able to be at my concert. I will never forget my excitement as I waited to perform with the jazz group. This performance was for him! I was going to give it my all and this performance was going to be amazing! I felt so good after performing that concert. As I walked out into the audience to see my family I went straight to my grandpa and I hugged him and asked him what he thought. He told me how "good" it was. It meant the world to me. He then shared a tender moment with me me and told me how wonderful he thought I was. He started to cry and at that moment I knew that I wasn't going to get to do this again. This was it, and I was completely overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity I had to have him there with me. My grandpa passed away one week after that concert. I am so grateful for the experience I had to be with him through the last few weeks of his life and for the relationship that I had cultivated with him, for his incredible journey through life that will forever be a light to me.

Another thing that that I have been blessed with here is amazing friends! I have always had good friends, but coming here has been incredible! The people that I am around every day just make me happy! I love being around them! I have grown in many different ways through those I have come to associate with and care about.

When I decided to stay in Gilbert I was called to be the Laurel Advisor in my ward. I was completely overwhelmed with gratitude for the awesome responsibility of being these girls' leader. I was 20 years old, and I felt like I had just graduated myself and was still in the same stage of life as these girls. What could I offer? As I have spent time with these girls, served them, and taught them, I have grown an incredible love for each one of them. They each have something incredible to offer. We have the greatest time with each other! Some of the funnest times are when they want to have "girl talk" and they ask me to tell dating stories or they want to know the latest in my love life. Ha Ha! Oh goodness! We have definitely had some great times! Lots of laughter, but also some of the most amazing spiritual experiences that have helped our testimonies grow and brought us closer together. I think that more than anything this calling has helped me (as every calling usually does) to prepare myself for my future family. I have strong convictions about how I want my family to be raised and my testimony has been strenghtened as to my capacity to accomplish these things. It has been an amazing and humbling experience to be in this calling.

The Lord puts us where we are for a reason. He loves us and He is indeed mindful of us. I have always known that, but through the experiences I have had this last school year, I have become increasingly aware of just how close the Savior can be. He is my dearest and best friend! I am so grateful for the love and care He has taken for me. I have felt of the love our Savior has for each one of us. It's incredible and I am so grateful for the opportunities and experiences I have had to make me who I am today.

The Growth From Trials

Wow! Talk about things hitting all at once. I'm sure everyone knows what that feels like! Things are going better than you could have possibly hoped and then....BAM! Kinda knocks your socks off! Well anyway, even though I am in the midst of some really trying times right now, I can see the end and I know that everything is going to work out just the way it's supposed to.

Having that knowledge, that everything is going to work out, is comforting, but at the same time it doesn't take away the hurt and longing that comes while dealing with these trials. I think that the fear of the unknown is what gets me. I hope things will turn out a certain way, but I really don't know what to expect. That's where faith comes in. Have I fully turned this over to the Lord? Am I trying to fix this myself, or am I casting the burden onto someone else, my Savior, who is much stronger than I could possibly fathom? As I have really taken this to heart, I have been at peace. Yes, things still hurt, and emotions run high at times, but I do know that everything is going to turn out fine. There is so much beauty in the peace that the Spirit can bring into your life once you embrace it! What a sweet and unsurpassed gift! It is truly incredible that through the spirit we can feel our Savior's love so fully and completely. He is there for us, and we just have to let him in. Once we have let go of all of our hurt and yearning, and passed it on, there is going to come into our lives a greater meaning and purpose. I know this to be true, and I feel the gentle urging of the spirit guiding me in a way that I need to go to make myself more fully able to reach my greatest potential.

My Heart Is Full

At this moment my heart is very full. Over the last few weeks my thoughts, feelings, and emotions have been very close to the surface. I am very overcome with a feeling of deep and complete love for some specific people in my life. What is love? What does it really encompass? And how can you know when it has really hit you? I'm not sure that I know all those answers but there is something that I do know for sure. There is not one relationship in my life that has not changed me for good. I am a better person for having gone through and for going through the things that I have. No matter how much I have had to sacrifice, it has always been worth it in the end. I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am today without having loved. It is the deepest emotion a person can feel and I am truly grateful for the people that have come into my life and that I have had the opportunity to care for. I have learned so much. And I hope that there is no doubt that I would be willing to give anything to those that I care about. There is no sacrifice too large that would keep me from giving to them the things they need to be happy in this life.

As I was reflecting on this my mind immediately caught hold to the thought of my brother leaving on his mission. For any of those that know my brother and I, you would know how close we are to each other. Being separated is not something that I like to dwell on and I know that it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks when he finally walks through our front door for the last time on his way to the MTC. I love him so much! He has been my best friend when there was no one else I could turn to. He knows me better than I know myself. He also gives the best hugs in the whole world! How can I live without that for two years? He is my cheerleader, a listening ear, my biggest support, and my shoulder to cry on. And he always understands! Always! I'm not too silly for him, and we can be crazy with each other. He is my greatest and dearest friend, and now he is leaving. I know that the next two years are going to be hard, but I am so excited for him to have this experience! And I want to be that support to him that he has always been for me. I love him so much! Who could ask for a better friend! Someone to make me laugh (and usually uncontrollably), to lift me up when I'm down, and to always be cheering me on when there may not be anyone else there. He truly is the greatest blessing to me in my life and I am so grateful for him! There is nothing else so wonderful than to have my brother around. And I am so grateful that he has the opportunity to bless the lives of the people in Switzerland. He is a beautiful person going to one of the most beautiful places in the whole world! How fitting. And how incredibly wonderful!

The Simple Beauty of Rainfall

For the last few days there has been off and on bouts of rain. At times it's just a little sprinkle, and then other incidents have included trash cans floating down the road because the streets are flooding over with water. Today as I was coming home from work, I saw a series of dustdevils that were all really close together. Living in Arizona, it seems that these dust storms are more frequent than any other kind of storm, much to my displeasure. Then I started thinking that it would be nice to have a good thunderstorm to get rid of all the dust in the air and to make things look fresh and clean. I love that! So, right as I was having this little thought, the rain started coming down...little sprinkles at first, and then it started coming down in sheets and sheets. My windsheild wipers could barely keep up with the constant pounding of rain. I was driving slower than I normally would on a busy freeway, but it gave me some time to enjoy what was going on around me. No more dustdevils were going, that was for sure, but I wasn't particularly thinking about that. It seems that most of the time, rain is thought of as a very big inconvenience. We have to change what we wear (forget about hairdos), we have to carry around an umbrella, we have to take an extra 5 seconds to wipe off our shoes or take them off when we come in the house, we can't get home as fast as we want to because everyone else in front of us is just crawling down the road, and we don't really want to go out and do anything because we don't want to get wet or go through all the above mentioned bothersome intrusions on our time and energy. But today as I was driving home my thoughts were turned to how beautiful rain is. It makes things new and fresh. Don't you love the feeling that you get when you walk outside in the morning after it has rained and there is that smell....you know which one I'm talking about. The smell that makes you just want to breathe a little deeper and stand still for just one more second and soak it all in. That smell also does something to the inside of me. When I smell that smell, my day goes so much better. I am in a happy mood all day long, and nothing seems to get me down. I am energized, and ready for anything. It just makes me feel good...like today is going to start a new sense of determination and excitement. It's just great!

Thunderstorms are exhilarating for me too. Being in the safe comfort of my own home and listening to the rain whip on the windows, and the rolling thunder outside...being inside, you may have to turn a light on because the natural lighting from outside is a little shadowy, but it makes it so much more exciting when the lightning comes. It lights up a whole room and then the thunder can feel like it's right there, almost caving in on top of you. That is a great feeling. I love, during that kind of weather to go in my room, open a window (so I can smell that smell) and curl up on my bed with a warm blanket, lots of pillows and a good book and just enjoy the moment. So, I say that we enjoy the rain! It doesn't come all that often (well, at least in Arizona) and we need to take advantage of it when we have it! So I'm leaving for now and going to curl up with my book and enjoy the beautiful rainfall!

The Risks We Take

You know, there are so many things that we hold back in this life! I am just as guilty as the next person, but I think that I am learning the importance of taking risks. It is hard to put yourself out in the middle of nowhere and say, "Ok, here I am, come at me with all you've got!" In some ways we do that when we think the cause is worth all the pummeling.

I have learned that when I put myself on the line and I give everything I possibly can, there have been no regrets for me. I know that the cause I am fighting for is something that I want with my whole heart, and even though it may not end in the way that I would want most, it has changed my life for the better. "What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger!" I was reminded of this by a good friend recently and I have to say that when you're going through the situation at the time, it seems very futile, but now looking back on it, how true it is! I wouldn't be who I am today without having risked stepping out of my comfort zone, committing wholeheartedly to something...or someone, or simply giving of myself to both those that I love and those that I hardly know at all. In every opportunity I have had to take these risks, there have been life changing opportunities, and I wouldn't trade that for the world! No matter how hard it may be at times! It's worth the risk!